Road trip introspect

It seems that we often confuse amazing and easy. We run from chaos and then wonder why mediocrity bores us—yet, in terms of love, meeting our souls desire will ruin us from the outside in so that we can begin fulfilling our soul’s contract.

In this life, we all start off on the path that we think we should be on; but, in truth, sometimes that differs greatly from where we are supposed to be. We make choices based on our upbringing and familial conditioning, never pausing to consider if we are actually following our own hearts or the expectations of those closest to us.

That is until our souls mate enters our lives. This connection arises with the purpose of upsetting the status quo so that we might be redirected on the path of our hearts. This means they will ruin essentially anything and everything that keeps us small forcing us to look out of ourselves and grow and reach for what we are meant for.

This person is supposed to trigger us, and us them, causing havoc. There isn’t any way to become who we are meant to be by remaining who we were. We are not the same person today as we were yesterday nor will we be the same person tomorrow as we are today.

Our soul’s joy shows up when we are ready to awaken, to raise consciousness, and to learn to practice and embody unconditional love, which is the highest vibration of our energy. This connection is not only to trigger us so that we might move through the stages of personal development, but also to test and learn how to build unconditional love.

We can’t change this; we can battle it, run from it, and ignore it, but, in the end, we need to embrace it— in spite of our former self. The person your soul chooses for this journey will inspire and encourage. No doubt they will make you question your own mind, lose your mind and wrench your gut and cause you to lose sleep because they challenge you to be your best self, but they will also be at your side whispering, “You got this.”

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The real betrayal is forgetting yourself

Polonius counseled Hamlet, “To thine own self be true.“ How many times have we heard that in our lives? “Oh, just be yourself,” “You do you,” etc… How many times have we betrayed ourselves out of fear, or loss, or rejection? Yet we do it every day, and it is done to us every day. I’ve touched on this subject in the past but an incident happened a few weeks ago that spurned this deeper deliberation.

I had been communicating with a gentleman that I met online. Some would say I use the term gentleman loosely, but my gift of understanding does not allow me to be bitter. His profile stated he was looking for a long term relationship. Great, so am I! We had many things in common and could make each other laugh. Awesome! We’re off to a great start. By the second week we had been Skyping and face timing nearly every day and trying to figure out our schedules so we could meet IRL. Now, I have been through this before over the past couple years and there were somethings that still needed to be discussed before I committed to it. Things like deep connection on values and growth within a relationship and especially how to handle conflict.

We made a date to Skype and then he didn’t answer. However, 5 minutes later wanted to text. I asked if he remembered our date, no answer. I stepped back and didn’t reply. Sure enough a couple hours later, “Jenny, are you there?” and proceeded to flirt. My intuition was on high alert at this point. I asked point blankly. “How do you handle conflict, because I am feeling triggered right now?” One word came back. “Sex.” And then a string of laughing emojis and a message “You know love isn’t real right, it’s all great for a couple of months, then reality sets in.” I called him out. I also told him I felt disrespected by him laughing at my needs and that we shouldn’t continue. His profile was gone within the hour. 3 hours later I got a text. “You’re right, I’m sorry, I hope you find him.”

The Me that drowned in the last 5 years of my marriage would have probably tried to convince him I was different, I may have caved in and met him anyway trying to convince myself he didn’t really mean it because I liked him so much. But that in itself would have been a betrayal of self. I did that in my own marriage. When things started to get difficult and my Ex wouldn’t meet me half way, I changed who I was to try to make him happy, I caved in, I went to counseling, I let behavior slide so I didn’t upset the cart, after all that’s what we are taught to do growing up. But doing so required me to betray a part of self. And the result of that was me not respecting myself, my husband disrespecting me, our union and our bond. I own that.

I’m not that person anymore.

If someone tells you to behave in a way that isn’t you and makes you question yourself, that’s betrayal. It’s betrayal when you step out of your own integrity to accommodate someone. Hamlet, anyone? What are the consequences of allowing another person to persuade you to step out of your integrity? It sets up a dynamic that eats away inside of you and brings out the worst in you. It diminishes your presence. It isolates you.

This is the same reason I don’t like it when parents force kids to kiss or hug people whether they know them or not. It may not be in the child’s comfort zone and forcing them to do something physically uncomfortable breeds not only resentment, but teaches them that making other people happy is more important than how they feel. Already boundaries and trust are broken. Whew…that’s a lot to take in.

Every interaction you have is a tissue sample into your inner world. When you take time to notice your patterns of speech and behavior, you can begin to learn a lot about you really are. What you usually find is that the toughest, most challenging, most frustrating relationships in your personal and professional life trigger negative feelings within, which lead you to react in ways that are not in your self-interest or self-respect. The thing about these people who trigger negative emotion is that they are here to teach you something about yourself. It’s not about fixing them or pleasing them or running away from them whenever they approach you. It’s about understanding how you react when experiencing negative emotions such as rejection, bitterness, jealousy, despair, shame and so on, these reactions don’t serve you.

The problem is that even though you may feel abandoned or engulfed by the frustrating people in your lives at work and at home, it is the way that you react to those negative feelings that becomes your responsibility. When you develop patterns of reacting to negative emotions in ways that do not represent who you really are, you wind up creating an ongoing cycle of deeper negativity. You betray your own best interests by generating momentum of more negative emotion through your reactions. If you look at this deeper, you may discover a thread that leads you back to the way your caretakers related to you. It’s as if there is a mental blueprint of self-betraying behavior and speech that you learned way back when. Like guilting you into hugging or kissing your “Aunt May” when you clearly weren’t comfortable with it.

Becoming aware of how you betray yourself in your relationships will help you discover the truth about yourself. You will discover your authentic voice, your inner power, your real desires, your connection to your spirit. Ironically, it also requires you to become aware of the blindspot you’ve had towards your self-betraying patterns, but that just makes you a human being! Exhausting, huh?

It is so easy to live in self-betrayal to who you can truly be. A large number of the population are doing that, unaware that they have taken on someone else’s life, daily habits, mindset, dress code, values, mission, goals, vision, outlook and entire life. It is a shame that people just resign themselves to the life that they have stumbled into. And they find it a great challenge to break out of it, as it is easier to work on someone else’s dream than it is to your own. But taking no risks in regards to what you want to do with your life will bring certain failure and disappointment within yourself a few years down the line. It seems as though people prefer to remain asleep to their greatness and not take responsibility and control of it. The blind are following the blind into what? A life of regret, disappointment, mediocrity, cowardice, and too afraid to face their fears? I was once that person and I become physically sick when I feel myself slipping back into that comfort zone.

This moment now is what you have, this is the moment where you can stand up and face your fears and go after what you want like a warrior, battle the demons within you that try to confine you to a life of self-betrayal. If you want to be free you must break out of the false misconception that you have of yourself of who you are and see who you can truly be; a champion, a fighter, a believer, someone who is blessed, someone who is able, someone who is driven to succeed and live a life of greatness. You have everything within you to make the changes needed to take your life to new heights and make a difference, to make an impact, to be of service and to do good and to impact humanity in unimaginable ways.

You will stumble, you are human. Be kind to yourself.  Be compassionate.

This is all part of the journey.

 

 

 

 

Content

Melt with me between the sheets of our love, our thoughts, our flesh,

Touch me between states of consciousness, of arousal before awareness,

Reject the daylight in sleepy caresses and drift in a state of not knowing where you stop and I begin

Sunday

Today, lying in the bed I ached to share with you, I wish your legs were intertwined with mine; your feet on top of my feet, your knees bent towards me, feeling the warmth of your skin spooned against mine.

I lay on the side of the bed that you would have slept on and with my eyes closed, imagine your arms around me, and your morning body heavily set against mine until our breaths sync. Your face snuggles into my neck as you sigh and settle into me, comes alive in my memory. Barely awake, I feel you squeeze me, feeling protected.

I miss you today.

Standing alone in my kitchen I suddenly crave breakfast. I imagined on Sundays we would throw on whatever clothes happened to be closest to us and get in the car to find pancakes. Sometimes we would sit in silence and other times we would talk and talk about nothing in particular, and you would smile… because we were together and happy just being close to each other.

I miss you today.

Outside the air is perfect, the sky above is blue with scattered clouds and there is a slight breeze against my face as I walk the dogs on a trail I wanted to share with you. I imagine holding your hand as we dance in the trees. I think of their smoothness, the security they represented. I loved the way you would grab onto me as if you were afraid of losing me.

I miss you today.

I begin think of things we didnt do but could do if you were here. Chances are we’d still be in bed. Our bodies would be close. Your heartbeat would vibrate against my face as I’d lay my head on your bare chest. If it were raining we’d nap in a tent in the yard because you like the sound of the rain as much as I do and wed count drops between kisses. Or we would just lay on the couch and watch a movie. Your head would be in my lap as I’d glide my hands softly across your back until you close your eyes with satisfaction. We would drift into each other without a worry or a care, because we’d know this is just the beginning of forever.

I miss you today.

But today you have a new life. You have a new Sunday routine with someone else. Maybe it’s better. Maybe it’s not. But it’s not with me. Maybe you miss me at times. Maybe you want to wake up with me somedays too but that’s not what you chose. Maybe I will have a new Sunday routine with a man who smiles at me like I’m magic and sighs in content with my hugs like you once did. I hope to think of you less and less so my wounded heart can heal. So I eat my pancakes in silence and smile thinking of your kisses.

Because today, I miss you.

If you’re lucky enough to find deep connected intimacy, even in a kiss, it is a glimpse of what is possible. It will give you a glimpse of the depth, power, and love within the universe, each other—a glimpse that may change your consciousness and consequences. Honor the space between, no longer, and not yet…

Save love

I knew it the first of the season
I knew it the same at the end,
That you and your love were plighted,
That you couldnt just be my friend.

Couldn’t we sit in the twilight,
Couldn’t we walk on the shore
With only a pleasant friendship
To bind us, and nothing more.

There was not a word of folly
Spoken between us two,
Though we lingered oft in the mountains
Till the ferns were wet with dew.

We touched on a thousand subjects
The moon and the worlds above,
And our talk was tinctured with science,
And everything else, save love.

What would you have done, I wonder,
Had I gone on my knees to you
And told you my passionate story,
There in the dusk and the dew.

I fought with my heart and conquered,
I hid my wounds from sight;
I was going away in the morning,
So I said a calm good-night.

But now when I sit in the twilight,
Or when I walk by the sea
That friendship, quite platonic,
Comes surging over me.

I too have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night

Walking at night has always been the pursuit of the lost, the lonely, the deviant, the rebellious, the curious, the feeling, the human. The best nights are usually unplanned, random and spontaneous.
I used to walk and drive at night a lot. Even when I was still in my parents’ home. We had woods on our property. I built a fort that I used to just sit in and listen to the nocturnal creatures keeping me company or sleep on the wide porch during the rain both quieting the chaos of problems I couldn’t fix. When we moved to Denver I continued the evening constitutional. I often had trouble sleeping, a symptom of the anxiety I had experienced from moving to a new town without a support system. If I wasn’t walking, I analyzed and mapped adventures I’d someday take, plotting their routes on national geographic maps I’d been collecting that papered my walls.

Magic tumbled from her pretty lips and when she spoke the language of the universe- the stars sighed in unison. – Faudet

It’s a habit I’ve taken up again; visiting the night. It’s not always a walk, sometimes I get on the scooter or motorcycle and just ride the grid of my tiny downtown or the wide rural roads that quilt across the earth. A friend of mine and I used to do this. It always stuck with me, the way the engine lures me into a trance and melts any heaviness as I breathe the dark wind.

Wausau pretty much shuts down at 9pm. Getting home from work at 3am lends to solitude and reflection as I walk the pent up pups who want to do nothing but play Frisbee. I think they’ve taken up this ritual. Often times I find them enjoying the quiet of the dark lounging on the deck waiting for me, metronome tails thumping in time.

Shelley once wrote the night makes “a weird sound of its own stillness.” It’s a parallel universe of the same buildings and barns; but with the absence of people it lulls you with it’s with sepulchral tones. From time to time I spot silhouettes of other solitary individuals, threatened by my presence as I am by theirs. Who in their right mind is awake at 3am who doesn’t have to be? Sometimes it’s not a choice.

Unless you live in the country you tend to forget your home is built on real earth; under all that pavement there are hills, forgotten streams, forts built by some other 10 year old. Nothing’s quite the same at night. At 3am, the empty streets are no longer fighting against traffic. It’s here the solitary pedestrian or rider begins to feel the real earth. In the abstracted monochromatic condition of night, it becomes more apparent that a sloping road curves over the sleeping form of a hill and down the other side to track a creek that fed this land long ago.

The world is at its most earthly and unearthly at night, especially if it’s raining, washing yesterday away.

Rumi knew what the fuck he was talking about

20170629_125808“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” – Rumi

If you have reached this level of actualization, what’s you’re secret!?! Seriously, I want to know! Honestly, I’ll always be working on enlightenment. And if you care about what I am tackling currently, read on. If not, stop here. Anyway, the other day I was trying to figure out what causes my backslides (let’s face it, we all have them). I realized personal growth is not simply about mindset, but about how Ego fucks it up.

Ego has no place in the world of relationships of any sort, let alone marriages and online dating. You are going to be ghosted, bullied, clung to, used and sometimes loved if only for awhile. If you’re lucky, you may meet a few nice people who feel your openness, honesty and ability to “BE”, refreshing. Ahh, then Ego creeps in and suddenly they aren’t ready for you. Which translates to “I’m not used to someone being open and honest with me and calling me out on my crap without worrying if I’ll call them the next day,” which leads you to question your existence, again. Because…Ego. I’ve probably been on more first dates in the last 12 months than the whole of my adult life. It’s really good practice for the stuff I’m spewing here. Maybe that’s the lesson. If you think back, no one really taught us how to fight or love without Ego or expectation. But I’m convinced there needs to be mandatory classes in it.

Ego isn’t “bad,” rather I like to think of it as a misguided force. Unfortunately, most of us believe we “are” our Egos, rather than recognizing a deeper, more substantial aspect of our beings. Ego is the part of us that gets jealous, possessive, anxious, judgmental, fearful and self-conscious. Generally very negative emotions. But truly, the Ego wants to protect us, but it manages to do so in unhealthy, often painful drastic ways. What we really are, is LOVE. We are here to love and be loved. However, we have allowed our Egos to define what that means, instead of our souls. Our Ego gets hold of the concept and turns it into a need rather than just being love. Through the Ego filter, the essence of being loved turns into the Ego’s need for approval. When we think we need love, we stupidly turn into energy vampires and suck approval out of everyone we meet in order to fill that need. Through the Ego filter, the essence of being love and loving turns into a need for control. When we are ruled by Ego we sometimes try to change everyone around us so that we can fulfill that need and ironically, we tend to attract partners with a the opposite need. Hello dysfunction!

Consider magnets with two polarized ends. If you put them together positive to positive, they’ll repel. Positive to negative they’ll attract. However, if left in close proximity, the magnetic pull will cause one magnet to flip around in order to attract to the other. Our Egos are a bit like this. One end of the “ego-magnet” is the need for approval and the other is the need for control. We all have both, but we tend to lead in our relationships with one or the other and we tend to attract the opposite or evoke the opposite in others. A person with a strong need for approval will attract another’s need for control and vice versa Then we hook up in relationships that are, ultimately, an Ego dance which doesn’t serve anyone.

We have no control over anyone…try as we might and that’s how we get hurt. It’s also impossible to get true approval when we are not being outselves and instead put on a facade to try to get someone’s approval. Interestingly, those who have dared to live fully, who have dared to follow their dreams and allowed themselves to love without Ego in the lead, have more from which to grow on. From a life well lived, there is a lot from which we can mature into the wisdom Rumi was speaking of. Pretty fracking enlightened for a 13th century guy.

Are you living fully? And if you’re not, why not?

At times we all come to a crossroad. It should never be seen as an impasse, but a point from which we can go deep, reflect, complete unfinished business, grow and further our state of transformation. This may happen at several points in our lives. This may involve a change of career, end of a relationship, children leaving home, a new relationship, recovery of illness, the onset of disease, or when grieving a death. Many people go off looking for themselves in far off places. The top of a distant mountain, a deep forest, a retreat or Wausau. When in fact all they needed apart from a great travel experience (because honestly we all need those) is to come out of everyday distractions and simply allow themselves to BE and not necessarily BE doing something.

Distraction is fine and meditation is wonderful and I wouldn’t be who I am today without it, but it is important to remember that we have been born into this body and this life here on the planet, for a purpose. One of our tasks is to find that purpose, though it may have many spokes. So escaping our body and the rudiments of everyday living is perhaps not really the point here. Rather we should live in an enjoyable way and make the most of what we create at present and connect, rather than continually seeking to escape it.

Perhaps the best way to live our life is to make it ‘heaven’ now, by coming to peace with yourself and learn to enjoy what is available to you, while simultaneously creating what you would like to experience without Ego. Without seeking approval.  In becoming more clear about who you are, it’s necessary to acknowledge and come to peace with where you came from. This requires humility and compassion and letting go of the Ego; though many of us may not be ready for this level of growth. While most seek personal development to help with motivation, goals and achievement, soul development leads to deep connection that can open the door to peace of mind, acceptance, love, and helps us see the patterns that we create repeatedly in our lives. Taking Ego out of the equation allows for presence and peace.

Whenever you find yourself in conflict with someone else, while remembering who you really are, observe yourself and notice what you are feeling. Notice whether you are experiencing a need for approval or control.  To be present you need to take a step back, take a deep breath and let that shit go. Instead return to who you really are, full of love and compassion. Amazingly, we are able to suddenly accept others and allow them their own choices and consequences on their life’s journey.

If you are always wondering if you are doing it right (or wrong), and are concerned about what people think, stop. It’s really your Ego exhibiting a need for approval. Remember, the Ego’s neediness blocks your ability to BE. So my friends, family, anyone who soaks up my enlightened bullshit, take a deep breath and let go.

 

Frame of Reference

The moments flash
& almost forgotten.

I, must practice distraction

deluding my memory of touch

that goes bereft.

Either come come closer

or stay away,

Having you inbetween

exhausts me.

Your eyes, so not to see me,

lay upon that which is easy.

I know you embrace distance,

How it smooths your messy soul.

You choose aerials

Where connection is angled to abstract

Matters of perspective

Yours is to love my shadow

a thousand blocks away

& mine is to praise

the grain-iness that weaves

your face as I drift to sleep.

And comes to focus as I slumber.